


Immortality Bites

by LeafOffTheWind (LeafOnTheWind)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Deadpool - All Media Types, Doctor Who, Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Mythology, The Sandman (Comics)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Dark, End of the World, Existentialism, Gen, Immortality, Loss, Not Beta Read, Party, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:35:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24245878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeafOnTheWind/pseuds/LeafOffTheWind
Summary: 5 times an immortal lived and 1 time they didn't
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	1. The Lady Death of the Endless

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that this has very dark themes in general, given it is about immortals who don't necessarily want to be so. Also expect canon-typical violence and existential thoughts. Please be reassured that the ending, though not happy, is bittersweet and not completely terrible. 
> 
> Work CW: death, loss, suicidal ideation in general

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Lady Death has a bone to pick with paperwork.

The Lady Death was an Endless. 

One of six beings that had existed before anything else, and would exist after everything turned to dust. It was said that Destiny was the oldest, but in the End, Death would be the last when she devours herself.

In the middle, it’s all travelling and paperwork. And don’t get her wrong, she loves her job! Sure, it sucks when someone is really attached to life for whatever reason, but she does try to make it as nice as possible. She overhears people saying it’s like meeting an old friend, which is a nice way to put it. Either way, the births are wonderful, and she does love her siblings (mostly Morpheus) most of the time. 

But the paperwork.

Paperwork that keeps piling up.

Paperwork that keeps piling up because someone can’t seem to take a hint. Her brow twitches at the thought.

Why in heaven’s name does he seem to think killing half the universe would be a good courting gift?

And then! Right as she was almost caught up, some nitwit messes with time, and all those souls come right back, and all those forms need to be redone in addition to her normal work.

She heaves a sigh of resignation.

This sucks.


	2. The Deadpool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deadpool is Deadpool, and he is not okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: attempted suicide, mental health typical of Deadpool

Deadpool had been insane way before he became immortal. 

Then he got better, then he got way, WAY worse, then he got better and worse and maybe both? Definitely both. Then Vanessa died, and hooboy, was that hell on his psyche. To be fair, so were the many, many suicide attempts. With the whole “immortal” thing, they probably didn’t actually have a physical affect on him, but hey, not like it’s GOOD for your health to think of shooting yourself in the goddamn face as the best way to shut White and Yellow the FUCK UP FOR FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES. 

But hey, at least there’s chimichangas! Well, for now. Really not sure what he’s going to do when the Earth stops being a thing. Maybe the sun going supernova would kill him? But probably not.

For now, he’s just going to have as much fun as he can, and maybe he’s an idiot for falling for Spidey’s sweet, sweet ass when he knows his baby boy is gonna die soon in the grand scheme of things, but hey! Worst-case scenario, he’ll hang out with Death forever, she was pretty fucking cool.

That is way too much introspection. This is getting too deep, seriously. And those assholes are looking at him funny. Has he been saying all this out loud?

Eh, he’s never been good at long-term planning anyway.

…Wait, those assholes were his mission. Nice! Time to un-alive some dickwads!


	3. The Vampire Slayer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy died, then came back, then died, then came back, then didn't die.

Buffy was The Vampire Slayer. Then she died, and was A Vampire Slayer, and it was honestly a huge relief. 

Then she died again, and everyone thought it was a whole lot more permanent this time, until it wasn’t.

She was in Heaven, then she woke up in her coffin.

Time passed, blah blah blah, and suddenly, she wasn’t the Chosen One or even one of the Chosen Two, but one of so many fantastic girls and women, all fighting to keep back the darkness. While it definitely was not how she would have chosen to get there, she was overall, pretty content.

Until they realized she wasn’t aging. Willow cried when she realized what happened. It wasn’t her fault ~~(yes it was)~~.

Giles was the first of the original Scoobies to go. They all knew it was time, and he died a lot more peacefully than he had ever expected, given how his later years had gone.

They tried to make the best of her situation, and she travelled the world, helping those wonderful new Slayers ~~(was she even needed anymore?)~~ , until Willow died.

She had kind of hoped that that would let her age, but it was not to be. It was her magic doing it, right?

No.

Then Xander died, and she was alone again. Not really, of course, not with everyone else, but it wasn’t the same. ~~(They always left her, after all.)~~ (Take it all away and what remains?)

Buffy threw everything into undoing the magic, or at least understanding it. She never had a knack for it, but after years ~~(decades)~~ ~~(centuries)~~ of searching, a girl can learn, at least.

She manages to contact Osiris. He claimed she was no longer his concern and broke contact.

Desperate, Buffy searches for the Seed of Wonder, the source of all magic. She destroys it, hoping for an end.

Other Slayers stop being called, witches no longer have their magic, even Whistler can no longer contact the Powers the Be—

Buffy does not age.

She does what she does best, what she’s done a thousand times before ~~(she cries, she screams, she shreds her throat with her fury and pain, she tears at her skin, she does not age and she does not die)~~. 

Buffy is once more The Vampire Slayer.

She picks herself up and keeps looking.


	4. The Captain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Jack Harkness loved life. He just didn't think he'd outlive it.

Captain Jack Harkness, as he was called for now, has had a lot of fun with time.

He was Javic Piotr Thane, in another life.

He was the Face of Boe and a con man, he’s screwed just about every species with a pulse for both meanings of the word, he’s travelled through time and space with the Doctor and several companions, he’s saved the Earth a fair few times. He dies fighting against the Daleks, and it was a good death. He was resurrected by the Bad Wolf. He’s died a lot since then.

He lost Ianto.

He thought he was mortal after Miracle Day, and to be honest, he might’ve been. He didn’t test it, there were too many other people at stake. When did he become such a martyr? ~~It’s~~ ~~the Doctor’s fault of course, he changes everyone, for worse or for better.~~

He kind of assumed his immortality would fade away at some point, but it doesn’t seem to be. It’s been hundreds, thousands of years at this point. It’s hard to keep track with time travel, especially when there are two or three of yourself hanging around at the same time. Do you count that time twice? Three times?

Jack doesn’t. He doesn’t really need to, nor does he want to; he barely ages, what does it matter?

He saves the Earth a lot. He helps the Human Empire when that’s gone.

~~He doesn’t know whether he wants to die.~~

He doesn’t die. He might be okay with that for a long, long time.

Maybe.


	5. The Flying Dutchman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Flying Dutchman is a pirate ship.

The Flying Dutchman is a pirate ship.

It has many crews over the years, all of them immortal to an extent, all using the fame of the immortal ship to their advantage.

It sees a lot of bloodshed over the years, staining its floorboards, its mast, its crew. It does its best to protect them, but that’s the life they chose. They knew it when they took their first step onboard.

There have been deaths from battle, from infighting, from a whole host of mutinies, but also from scurvy, from infections, from shit rum.

The Flying Dutchman sees it all, and lets the blood flow freely. It is a ship, meant to transport people and treasure and fight in bloody battles, no more, no less.

Its flags change, but never for long.

The Flying Dutchman heals.

Eventually humans stop needing ships such as the Flying Dutchman, so it changes. Flying though water or air makes no difference.

Humans need the Flying Dutchman once more. The rich have left in their shiny metal ships, but not many can afford it. There are always those that live in the underbelly of society, and the Flying Dutchman is their steward.

It takes flight with a new crew to the reaches of space.

The Flying Dutchman is, and always will be, a pirate ship.


	6. An Angel, a Demon, and the Party at the End of the Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale and Crowley haven't heard from anyone Above or Below for a long time, so they go to find some companionship for the End of the Universe.

Aziraphale and Crowley have been together for a long, long time.

Humans had gotten how old the universe was dreadfully wrong, of course, but they got how long it would last into the future bang-on, barring any other Apocalypses, of course. And there were a few, certainly, but the angel and the demon had gotten rather attached to humanity and helped out here and there with their near-misses.

And when humanity took to the stars, well, their first vacation together had been to Alpha Centauri after all.

Of course, as time passed, their idyll would eventually have to come to an end. Lights were beginning to go out, stars and planets and species alike.

Eventually, only the immortals were left, those like them. Well, not _like them_ like them, but… well, you know. Of course, Heaven and Hell were still populated, but really, Aziraphale and Crowley were _comfortable_ here. They’ve spent billions of years on this plane, they’re not about to abandon it now, when it’s _actually_ the Big One.

On the other hand, it did get rather dull, no new music or books. Aziraphale mourns the loss of his books so much, even if they do have digital copies of everything; when Earth needed to be evacuated for the last time, they were in a bit of a hurry. Crowley did save his favorites, his signed Wilde, that one book from Adam after he turned back time, the first-edition Gutenberg Bible, and of course his own rather suggestive statue, but there were so many…

In any case, they started collecting immortals.

\--

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is first. The poor girl desperately needs therapy, but unfortunately has to make do with a fussy angel tittering over her near-catatonia. They find her on a planet orbiting a dead star, staring into the increasingly dark sky. Crowley lies beside her, looking into the blackness where his art used to shine, and starts talking.

He talks for a long time, about the stars, about what he remembers from Earth, about the times they’d helped slayers when they existed, about any number of topics none of them really remember afterwards.

She doesn’t get up for a long time, but they eventually coax her up and onto their small ship, plying her with miracled treats.

Buffy is not okay, but she hasn’t been okay for a very, very long time.

\--

Next is Jack. He’s taken many names, but he’s had Jack for the longest time, and that’s what he’s comfortable with. He’s alone on an abandoned ship, drifting through space. He ran out of fuel centuries ago, both for the ship and his vortex manipulator. He’d waited too long this time, and can’t jump back to fix it.

Fortunately for him, he’s not alone in the universe, yet. When he sees a ship approaching him, lights on, he leaps towards it feet first, literally. The life support had failed on his ship anyway, it’ll be no worse being lost in space with or without a ship, right?

He doesn’t have to find out. When he leaps from a hole in the hull, the other ship veers swiftly in his direction, though with no visible propulsion.

Jack really, really doesn’t care, though, and laughs until he cries when they bring him in.

He then promptly propositions them. They are a handsome group, after all.

\--

The third and fourth arrive together, Deadpool in full pirate regalia, helming the Flying Dutchman. He’d came across the ship near the beginning of his third aeon (he thinks, at least, after a certain point you can’t expect him to keep count), floating along, totally wasted on those nincompoops driving it. They didn’t even know what a gem it was!

They fought him, of course, but this was when there were still plenty of people around and when Vanessa and Spidey and Ch’andr and lots of other people who thought better of him weren’t, so he totally un-alived them and nabbed their ship. Yoink!

He’d tried to rename it after Bea Arthur (not that anyone else would get that reference anymore, but she’s still golden, girl!), but the ink always faded, whether it be watercolor or crayon or nanotech or even him pinning a cloth up in front of it with a sloppy image of her glorious face. Deadpool is just glad the ship let him hang up his Bea Tee next to its flag.

To be honest, it took a while for him to realize it was _The_ Flying Dutchman, but he squealed all the same. And talk about rustic! It’s made of wood for fuck’s sake, but life support is all good, it never runs out of fuel, and he thinks he’s made friends with a goddamn ship.

Jesus, he’s even getting along better with White and Yellow out of sheer necessity.

In any case, when The Flying Dutchman changes course without warning, Deadpool is offput (he was looking forward to visiting the husk of what once Earth, dammit!) but goes along with it. Not like he can really talk it out of this, _plus_ , the only times it’s ever changed course like this was to target some rich assholes with stuff he could steal.

If it’s changing course now, that means there are assholes out there—other people! Other than the voices in his head! So down. Of course, when he actually came across them, they were a weird mish-mash of people, including someone that immediately flirted with him, Deadpool. Guess it really does take being the last man alive. He thinks, at least. Those two glowing darkness and light he doesn’t think are men.

He’s right; they’re ethereal (and occult!) beings, they don’t have gender.

\--

The Flying Dutchman is, and always has been, a pirate ship. When it senses other beings, no matter how meager their belongings, after so long, it changes course.

It steals the other ship’s crew, and is satisfied.

\--

More years pass and the sky grows darker, the space between space grows colder. Aziraphale and Crowley know the end is very, very near. They haven’t heard from Heaven or Hell in a long, long time, almost as long as God themself. There are no stars left in the sky, and they think they have perhaps another day before the End.

Some apocalypses are eminently curable. This one is not one of those. So they do what they’ve always planned when the time comes. Aziraphale gathers the others to the Flying Dutchman’s deck and tells them what is happening while Crowley goes to the hold and brings back a selection of unopened bottles.

The pair of them have several of their favorites they’ve opened over the many, many aeons, refilled and drank and refilled, but once they’d seen the end of Earth coming, they started to curate a very specific collection of the best of the best they’ve ever heard of or had, themselves, not to be opened until the End. It’s a small collection, all told, but worth their weight in… well, there’s no currency anymore. Worth everything.

There are many tears about, both happy and sad. Their companionship was borne by circumstance, but none of them are truly evil people. There are no secrets left. For the select few left alive, the end of the universe truly is a celebration, and they treat it as such.

As their time winds down, Death is the last to arrive. They greet her like an old friend, and offer her a drink.

She smiles and takes it from the people she’s seen so often, and so rarely, those she’s been able to help and those who have thwarted her.

They are ecstatic when the universe ends.


	7. The Flower Pot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bonus: The Flower Pot

After the end, there was a beginning. A new universe bloomed. And in it, a bowl of petunias, falling into the nothingness.

_“Oh no, not again.”_


End file.
